Memoirs of a Pregnancy Loss

Over two years ago, I lost a pregnancy.

It was an accidental pregnancy, as I was only ten months postpartum after my third baby. I started feeling the tell-tale signs of morning sickness and aversions to sweet breakfasts that I've felt with nearly all my pregnancies. Only this time, I was cramping almost constantly. 

I didn't mention this to my husband. I was afraid to. My previous pregnancy had been difficult, tinged by perinatal depression. My marriage had been under significant strain. Then after the birth, postpartum depression was my constant companion. I thought about killing myself and sparing my family of my pain on a regular basis. After therapy and the comfort and support of many friends, I was doing much better, but I didn't want it to happen again. So I tried to ignore my body. 

Minimalist Christmas Traditions

I would say I come from a tradition-loving family. Every year, a big hoopla was made over watching our extensive list of favorite Christmas movies, putting up a lot of Christmas decorations, eating lots of sweet, and the list goes on. As I've begun building my own family traditions, I have found that our lifestyle doesn't mesh too well with the traditions I grew up with.

At first, I found this a little disheartening. What traditions makes sense for a family that tries to be frugal, not create a lot of waste or take up space, and keep things simple? Here are the traditions we have chosen as fitting with our family lifestyle:

Minimalist Must Haves: Baby Edition

You are about to welcome a new baby into your world. Congratulations! It's an exciting and incredibly overwhelming time. I remember trying to figure out, with my first, what I would need to survive, and it honestly was a lot less than I had. Here, I'll outline the things I found I needed and mention a few things you only might need. 

Cleaving and Becoming An Adult

There is an awkward stage that every young adult goes through where he goes from being a child to being an adult. It's awkward for both the parents and the child, because there is a combination of still wanting to parent/be parented and yet wanting to make decisions that will impact the future you wish to have.

I knew from an incredibly young age (around 8) that I wanted to be a wife and mother. I never wanted to be anything else. I planned on getting married the day I turned 18 and popping out babies every year or so while my husband worked and I stayed at home. To me, this described the ideal life. My parents were supportive. They knew how important a wife and mother who stays at home can be, and they believed I was following the natural path for the majority of women.

Why I Prioritize A Clean Home Over Playing with My Kids

Before kids, it was easy to keep house. I had way more time to accomplish everything than I needed, most of the time, and even with chronic health issues, I managed to get dishes done, the bed made, and the living room vacuumed. After my first child came, it got a little harder. When the second came along, it got a little more difficult. Then we embraced minimalism, and although that didn't eliminate the need to clean up, it did make things easy again.

But there were times when I noticed my husband seemed a little less relaxed when he got home. He didn't complain, but I could tell that when he came home and things were messy, it added stress to his life. Coming home wasn't a time to let loose and relax - he felt a need to clean up!

10 Books to Read Before You're a Spouse & Parent

There are countless marriage and parenting books, and although I certainly can't cover all of them, there are some I think are especially important to start you off on the right foot when it comes to being a supportive spouse and parenting with joy.

1. Intended for Pleasure

I've mentioned this book before as one I consider incredibly important to create a healthy, balanced sexual relationship between a husband and wife. It helps you know how to prepare for the wedding night, how to talk about sex with your spouse, how to deal with typical problems that come up, and the science of sex and how it works. It can hopefully foster a practical start to one of the more complicated areas of marriage to navigate.

2. Essentialism

I believe this book is also important as you begin marriage, because it helps you set up guidelines for decision making - particularly when it comes to deciding what will fill your schedule. When coming into marriage, I cannot think of anything more precious than time, and this book can help you recognize where you might be spending time that you shouldn't and how you can refocus on what really matters to you.

Parenting During Crises: Same or Different?

My husband and I were recently involved in a vehicular accident. We were both injured - on the way to the hospital where my father was prepping for a quadruple bypass after a heart attack. We had dropped the kids off with my in laws, so thankfully they weren't involved in the accident. We got home about six hours later than we had planned, me in a cast and my husband with a head wound. The children had been put to bed without knowing if we would be back. And for the next week, we traveled to and from the hospital - an hour away - to be with my father during his recovery.

This kind of thing takes a great toll on children. You could almost hear them asking question. Why does Mommy keep leaving? Why are they so upset? Why are these people I don't know well taking care of me? Why can't I nurse before bed? When will things be normal?

My Baby Needs to Cry

Ever since I've been a mother, I've had a difficult time accepting the idea that some babies need to cry themselves to sleep. Couldn't you rock them? Nurse them? Hold them? Sleep with them? Swaddle them? So many options! Surely there must be something the parents are missing.

Then I had a baby to needs to cry himself to sleep. For nearly every nap and bedtime.

Books that Changed My Life

Anyone who spends any amount of time reading will have read at least one book that really impacted them - perhaps because it was a book that changed their way of thinking or because it touched on something that was important to them. I have been an avid reader since I was incredibly young, and I have gone through stages of reading different types of books. Right now, I read almost exclusively non fiction where I hardly ever read it before college. I go through phases where I'll focus on a particular topic or author and really dive in, immersing myself, and hopefully coming out of that more knowledgeable.

Some books have certainly been more impactful than others. The Boxcar Children books were huge for me, when I was eight or so; now not so much. But back then, I certainly wouldn't have been at all interested in books about climate responsibility or the nature of disease. Some really important books didn't do much for me (like Frankenstein) - probably because they weren't new thoughts - and some insignificant books really shaped my world view because I read them at the right time.

Adventures in Napping

I am a mother of two.

It's crazy to think about, really. Just three months ago, I was chasing a toddler. Now I'm chasing that same toddler with a chunky, three month old baby in my arms. And I love it. My daughter dotes on her little brother, always wanting to be close to him, letting me know when he's crying (as though I can't hear it), and constantly chattering to him while he stares at her, taking in every word. It's incredibly precious.

One thing I wasn't exactly prepared for, after having a new baby, was the numerous regressions that took place in my toddler after her brother was born. I was prepared for jealousy. Didn't happen. I was prepared for aggression. Didn't happen. What did happen were three different regressions, one of which I didn't know could happen: eating, sleeping, and pottying.

High Needs Toddler & Pregnancy

Having a high needs toddler is no joke. My daughter is just as unpredictable in her mood and temper as when she was a tiny baby. Although things do improve with vocabulary and gentle communication, there are still all those high need characteristics to deal with.

Right now, I'm 36 weeks pregnant, and going through almost the entire pregnancy with my toddler, I've had to change some of my expectations (of myself and my toddler), and I've had to adapt. If you are in the same boat I have been in, I know your frustrations and your desires. Here are some tips for getting through pregnancy while raising a high needs toddler with grace.

Why I Make My Toddler Wear Sunglasses

People ask me fairly often why my daughter wears sunglasses. Is there something wrong with her eyes? No. Does she like to wear them? Not particularly. Is it because it's so cute? That's good incentive, but it's not the main reason. I make her wear them, and she isn't allowed to take them off when we're outside, because I don't want her eyes to be damaged by sunlight. 

It's amazing to me; I'll see parents slathering sunscreen on their kids, putting on hats for good measure, and completely neglected those precious jewels. I'm guessing it's mostly out of ignorance, as whenever I explain, people tell me how much sense it makes. Of course they need protection. Many adults put on sunglasses because brightness hurts their own eyes and don't think to put them on children because there's no way for the child to communicate discomfort. 

Parenting by Instinct: Choosing Safety

This week, my daughter bit through two pacifiers within an hour. I was buying appropriate pacifiers for her age, so I knew it wasn't the quality; she had built up a habit of chewing on them as much as sucking. This presented a problem. She clearly was still deriving comfort from them, but they had now become a danger. If she bit a piece off during the night and I wasn't able to hear her choking... well, I didn't even want to consider that idea.

I am a huge fan of pacifiers, in general. Despite my wanting to avoid them after she was born, it became clear that she only nursed when she wanted sustenance. She also doesn't like her hands to be dirty or wet, so she wouldn't suck her thumb or fingers. After three months of trying every alternative, I finally offered her a pacifier, and she was a different baby. Although still fussy and generally irritable (which I now think was a combination of being over-heated and not wearing 100% cotton), she was much more happy.

As she passed a year old, I tried gradually weaning off with no success. She would fuss and cry if one wasn't always available, and I didn't have the time or energy to fight with her (I was in the first trimester of my second pregnancy and incredibly sick and exhausted). I decided I would let her quit on her own.

That decision went out the window, this week. Clearly, pacifiers had become a hazard instead of a help, and that wasn't something I or my husband were willing to chance (or pay for. New pacifiers almost every day? I don't think so). After some research and thinking about my daughter's personality, as well as thinking about my failed attempt, I decided our best bet was to stop cold turkey. We asked our daughter to throw her pacifier in the trash (she only had one left, at this point), and we told her she wouldn't have one, anymore. She was neutral on the subject... until nap time. Then, my goodness, the sobs and cries of "where'd it go?" were heartbreaking. I do not like it when my little one cries and I could possibly stop those tears, but I knew there could be no giving in. As a matter of safety, the pacifiers had to go.

We're still in the midst of this trial, and a huge part of me hates watching my daughter grieve this comfort she has enjoyed. Sometimes the right decisions in parenting don't feel right in the moment. We have to battle through, loving our children by saying "no" when we desperately want - when it would be easier - to say yes.

Parenting by Instinct:Potty Training

I have officially potty trained my 18 month old daughter. It was interesting to me how many people said: "she's still so little!" This is true, and I knew it would make the experience a little more complicated. She doesn't really have the coordination for wiping down, yet, and she isn't dry through the night as some insist your child should be before training. I didn't wait for her to show "signs of readiness," nor did I have a big build up to get her excited. We bought the potty, taught her how to sit on it, put away the diapers, and told her it was time to learn something new.

Why did I train now? Why not wait?

Thank You for Crying

As a mother, I never thought I would hear myself say those words, but as I recently held my sobbing, 17 month old daughter tightly, I whispered to her: “I'm so sorry, Baby; thank you for crying.”

This happened during her nap time. There is usually a pretty solid routine we go through, which is nice for both of us. I make sure she either nurses or eats a snack, change her diaper, cuddle with her for a few minutes, then lay her down. She is an excellent sleeper, and I can put her down wide awake for naps and bedtime. She might whimper a little when I leave, but she's usually quiet within a minute or two.

This particular day, our routine wasn't quite so regular. I had been nursing her lying down on the couch, and her eyes were slowly getting more and more heavy as she drifted off. It was about five minutes earlier than I usually put her down, but I gathered her in my arms, carried her to her crib, and set her down with her lovey, covering her with a light quilt. She smiled up and me, I told her to sleep well, and I left. Seconds later, she started crying. Since she did that on occasion, I didn't go back in but waited a few minutes. She was still crying. I thought she sounded like she might be calming down, so I waited a couple more minutes. Still crying.

I'm sure some, at this point, would have just ignored her, but I've never ignored my baby's crying. Despite people saying we might “spoil” her by going to her, we have found that she never cries without a reason – even as a small toddler. I went back into her room, and she was lying down, squeezing her lovey tightly, crying with quick gasps, obviously trying to “be good” and not cry but also plainly upset. I picked her up, remembering I hadn't changed her diaper. Pulling it open to check, I immediately knew why she had been so upset.

As I laid her down to change her diaper, she giggled through her tears, knowing I had understood. I changed her quickly, then held her tightly against me, apologizing for not remembering to change her and thanking her for crying until I listened.

This appreciation for a baby's tears is not something many people seem to understand. I hear parents say they wouldn't go to their child every time he or she cried, their voices holding a tinge of disdain for people who would. People seem to think babies and toddlers cry to manipulate them, and to ignore them is to establish authority. “I am an adult, and I know what's best.” It also implies that crying is a nuisance, not a tool – practically the only tool! – a baby has to communicate.

Although I don't enjoy crying any more than the next person, I encourage my daughter to cry. When she's sad or hurt, I want her to share her pain with me, and I don't attempt to distract her. When she needs something that I haven't noticed (it happens more than I like), I want her to cry so I can take care of the problem. I don't want her to ever feel that I don't take her tears as seriously as she does, and I believe that is a big part of why she is so content and cheerful.

If I had ignored her cries during nap time, what shape would her bottom have been in after sleeping in her own refuse for two hours? If I made a habit of ignoring her, when would she stop trying to tell me something is wrong? I don't plan to find out.  

Circumcision: Why I Say Nay

Circumcision is a hot topic among new moms, these days - at least in America. Although I do not have a son, if and when I do, he will not be circumcised. If I lived just about anywhere but the states, people would say: "Well, of course! There's no reason to." In America, however, there is outright hostility. Here are some of the reasons parents in the states still circumcise:

Why (and How) I Limit My Screen Time

I hate screens.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned that, but I really do. Why? There are several reasons.

• They waste a lot of time without the time passing in a noticeable and concrete way. It vanishes like smoke. 
• They steal attentions while giving the illusion of multi-tasking. Even though you think you're paying attention to the person talking to you while checking your email, you aren't. Ultimately, you don't give your full attention to either and do a poor job at both. 
• They make people in my family grumpy. My daughter has a noticeably shorter temper when there's a screen visible. She can't touch them or interact with them, so to her, they are attention-sucking machines that separate her from her parents and friends. She's tries to distract us, then we're grumpy because we were in the middle of something.