My Baby Needs to Cry

Ever since I've been a mother, I've had a difficult time accepting the idea that some babies need to cry themselves to sleep. Couldn't you rock them? Nurse them? Hold them? Sleep with them? Swaddle them? So many options! Surely there must be something the parents are missing.

Then I had a baby to needs to cry himself to sleep. For nearly every nap and bedtime.

Adventures in Napping

I am a mother of two.

It's crazy to think about, really. Just three months ago, I was chasing a toddler. Now I'm chasing that same toddler with a chunky, three month old baby in my arms. And I love it. My daughter dotes on her little brother, always wanting to be close to him, letting me know when he's crying (as though I can't hear it), and constantly chattering to him while he stares at her, taking in every word. It's incredibly precious.

One thing I wasn't exactly prepared for, after having a new baby, was the numerous regressions that took place in my toddler after her brother was born. I was prepared for jealousy. Didn't happen. I was prepared for aggression. Didn't happen. What did happen were three different regressions, one of which I didn't know could happen: eating, sleeping, and pottying.

High Needs Toddler & Pregnancy

Having a high needs toddler is no joke. My daughter is just as unpredictable in her mood and temper as when she was a tiny baby. Although things do improve with vocabulary and gentle communication, there are still all those high need characteristics to deal with.

Right now, I'm 36 weeks pregnant, and going through almost the entire pregnancy with my toddler, I've had to change some of my expectations (of myself and my toddler), and I've had to adapt. If you are in the same boat I have been in, I know your frustrations and your desires. Here are some tips for getting through pregnancy while raising a high needs toddler with grace.

Parenting by Instinct: Choosing Safety

This week, my daughter bit through two pacifiers within an hour. I was buying appropriate pacifiers for her age, so I knew it wasn't the quality; she had built up a habit of chewing on them as much as sucking. This presented a problem. She clearly was still deriving comfort from them, but they had now become a danger. If she bit a piece off during the night and I wasn't able to hear her choking... well, I didn't even want to consider that idea.

I am a huge fan of pacifiers, in general. Despite my wanting to avoid them after she was born, it became clear that she only nursed when she wanted sustenance. She also doesn't like her hands to be dirty or wet, so she wouldn't suck her thumb or fingers. After three months of trying every alternative, I finally offered her a pacifier, and she was a different baby. Although still fussy and generally irritable (which I now think was a combination of being over-heated and not wearing 100% cotton), she was much more happy.

As she passed a year old, I tried gradually weaning off with no success. She would fuss and cry if one wasn't always available, and I didn't have the time or energy to fight with her (I was in the first trimester of my second pregnancy and incredibly sick and exhausted). I decided I would let her quit on her own.

That decision went out the window, this week. Clearly, pacifiers had become a hazard instead of a help, and that wasn't something I or my husband were willing to chance (or pay for. New pacifiers almost every day? I don't think so). After some research and thinking about my daughter's personality, as well as thinking about my failed attempt, I decided our best bet was to stop cold turkey. We asked our daughter to throw her pacifier in the trash (she only had one left, at this point), and we told her she wouldn't have one, anymore. She was neutral on the subject... until nap time. Then, my goodness, the sobs and cries of "where'd it go?" were heartbreaking. I do not like it when my little one cries and I could possibly stop those tears, but I knew there could be no giving in. As a matter of safety, the pacifiers had to go.

We're still in the midst of this trial, and a huge part of me hates watching my daughter grieve this comfort she has enjoyed. Sometimes the right decisions in parenting don't feel right in the moment. We have to battle through, loving our children by saying "no" when we desperately want - when it would be easier - to say yes.

Parenting by Instinct:Potty Training

I have officially potty trained my 18 month old daughter. It was interesting to me how many people said: "she's still so little!" This is true, and I knew it would make the experience a little more complicated. She doesn't really have the coordination for wiping down, yet, and she isn't dry through the night as some insist your child should be before training. I didn't wait for her to show "signs of readiness," nor did I have a big build up to get her excited. We bought the potty, taught her how to sit on it, put away the diapers, and told her it was time to learn something new.

Why did I train now? Why not wait?

Thank You for Crying

As a mother, I never thought I would hear myself say those words, but as I recently held my sobbing, 17 month old daughter tightly, I whispered to her: “I'm so sorry, Baby; thank you for crying.”

This happened during her nap time. There is usually a pretty solid routine we go through, which is nice for both of us. I make sure she either nurses or eats a snack, change her diaper, cuddle with her for a few minutes, then lay her down. She is an excellent sleeper, and I can put her down wide awake for naps and bedtime. She might whimper a little when I leave, but she's usually quiet within a minute or two.

This particular day, our routine wasn't quite so regular. I had been nursing her lying down on the couch, and her eyes were slowly getting more and more heavy as she drifted off. It was about five minutes earlier than I usually put her down, but I gathered her in my arms, carried her to her crib, and set her down with her lovey, covering her with a light quilt. She smiled up and me, I told her to sleep well, and I left. Seconds later, she started crying. Since she did that on occasion, I didn't go back in but waited a few minutes. She was still crying. I thought she sounded like she might be calming down, so I waited a couple more minutes. Still crying.

I'm sure some, at this point, would have just ignored her, but I've never ignored my baby's crying. Despite people saying we might “spoil” her by going to her, we have found that she never cries without a reason – even as a small toddler. I went back into her room, and she was lying down, squeezing her lovey tightly, crying with quick gasps, obviously trying to “be good” and not cry but also plainly upset. I picked her up, remembering I hadn't changed her diaper. Pulling it open to check, I immediately knew why she had been so upset.

As I laid her down to change her diaper, she giggled through her tears, knowing I had understood. I changed her quickly, then held her tightly against me, apologizing for not remembering to change her and thanking her for crying until I listened.

This appreciation for a baby's tears is not something many people seem to understand. I hear parents say they wouldn't go to their child every time he or she cried, their voices holding a tinge of disdain for people who would. People seem to think babies and toddlers cry to manipulate them, and to ignore them is to establish authority. “I am an adult, and I know what's best.” It also implies that crying is a nuisance, not a tool – practically the only tool! – a baby has to communicate.

Although I don't enjoy crying any more than the next person, I encourage my daughter to cry. When she's sad or hurt, I want her to share her pain with me, and I don't attempt to distract her. When she needs something that I haven't noticed (it happens more than I like), I want her to cry so I can take care of the problem. I don't want her to ever feel that I don't take her tears as seriously as she does, and I believe that is a big part of why she is so content and cheerful.

If I had ignored her cries during nap time, what shape would her bottom have been in after sleeping in her own refuse for two hours? If I made a habit of ignoring her, when would she stop trying to tell me something is wrong? I don't plan to find out.  

Parenting Methods: Attachment Parenting

I love reading about parenting methods. I find them illuminating, educational, and fun. The parenting methods out there are as varied as the children with whom they are practiced. There are essentially four parenting methods I am particularly drawn to, and there are aspects I love and hate about each of them.

The first method I want to talk about is called Attachment Parenting. It is most widely shared by Dr. Sears, a well respected pediatrician. I think part of the reason his touting of this method appeals to me is the fact that he has a large family; if a person only has one child and says that his/her method of parenting was the “only” method, I would probably be skeptical. Here are some typical practices of those who parent using this method:

• Bonding after birth is incredibly important (the first few hours especially)
• They carry their babies in a sling or wrap, against their bodies
• They bed-share (sleep in same bed) or co-sleep (sleep in same room)
• They breastfeed on demand and do this for as long as the child desires
• They do not try to teach a baby to “self-soothe” or use baby-training methods
• They stress the importance of a parent staying at home with the child/children