Memoirs of a Pregnancy Loss

Over two years ago, I lost a pregnancy.

It was an accidental pregnancy, as I was only ten months postpartum after my third baby. I started feeling the tell-tale signs of morning sickness and aversions to sweet breakfasts that I've felt with nearly all my pregnancies. Only this time, I was cramping almost constantly. 

I didn't mention this to my husband. I was afraid to. My previous pregnancy had been difficult, tinged by perinatal depression. My marriage had been under significant strain. Then after the birth, postpartum depression was my constant companion. I thought about killing myself and sparing my family of my pain on a regular basis. After therapy and the comfort and support of many friends, I was doing much better, but I didn't want it to happen again. So I tried to ignore my body. 

Parenting Methods: Attachment Parenting

I love reading about parenting methods. I find them illuminating, educational, and fun. The parenting methods out there are as varied as the children with whom they are practiced. There are essentially four parenting methods I am particularly drawn to, and there are aspects I love and hate about each of them.

The first method I want to talk about is called Attachment Parenting. It is most widely shared by Dr. Sears, a well respected pediatrician. I think part of the reason his touting of this method appeals to me is the fact that he has a large family; if a person only has one child and says that his/her method of parenting was the “only” method, I would probably be skeptical. Here are some typical practices of those who parent using this method:

• Bonding after birth is incredibly important (the first few hours especially)
• They carry their babies in a sling or wrap, against their bodies
• They bed-share (sleep in same bed) or co-sleep (sleep in same room)
• They breastfeed on demand and do this for as long as the child desires
• They do not try to teach a baby to “self-soothe” or use baby-training methods
• They stress the importance of a parent staying at home with the child/children

What to Expect: Postpartum Sex

Before our baby was born, sex was part of my daily routine, even throughout the pregnancy. As something important to myself and my husband, we were anxious to know when things get back to normal – at least in that regard.

Everywhere I read, people said: six weeks. If you feel like it, earlier is okay.

I felt like this was a little dodgy. I would have been okay with sex – at least emotionally – the day after labour. Physically, no, but if it was supposed to be determined by whether or not I felt like sex, it should be safe.

Not.

My husband, thinking that a week or a few days earlier would be fine, asked my lactation consultant what she recommended. She said twelve weeks would be ideal; the body takes awhile to heal. Even though the usual recommendation is six weeks, she said some women are still bleeding by that point, and that means you risk infection. I expected my husband to protest, after she left, but instead he said: “I can wait twelve weeks if that's best for you.”

So we did. And, I must say, I did need that time. Even now, I can still feel that my body isn't fully recovered, but waiting that long gave me the time to prepare my body and my mind.

Would I recommend waiting longer? Not really – unless yours is a special case of extended recovery or your husband isn't interested. Husbands really need that connection, and you having it again is also healthy for you. It is something that the two of you share that the baby doesn't have a part of (though the little one may interrupt), and it is something from the life before baby that can reassure you that not everything changed. It's a little normalcy.

What should you expect, post-baby?

Expect a little pain. If you wait twelve weeks, you can avoid a lot of pain. It's not like virgin sex, though it is similar to the feeling of having sex when you're too dry. Use lots of lube and take things slowly.

Don't get angry if the baby interrupts. Some people say to hire a babysitter, but many of us won't take that step. Pick a time when your baby is settled for awhile and go for it. If you're interrupted, take care of the baby and try again.

Don't focus on how it feels different, because it probably doesn't feel as different as you think; it's been too long for you to remember that many details. Let it be new and different – something to rediscover.

Don't over think it. Talk about it with your spouse – before, during, and after the act. This will ease tension, letting you talk through your fears and what you're feeling. Don't expect it to be full speed right away. Make an effort to please your husband – it will take your mind off yourself, which is the point anyway.

A Few Postpartum Notes and Tips

1. Freeze meals ahead of time. Even if you're home from the hospital the day you give birth (or had an easy birth at home), you won't be up to cooking for at least a week. It was nearly a month before I felt well enough to be on my feet the amount of time it took to cook a meal, let alone clean up beforehand and afterwards.

2. Have a lactation consultant on-call. My baby was born hungry and nursed almost constantly until my milk came in. When I say almost constantly, I am not being metaphorical or exaggerating. There were fifteen minute breaks here and there, and I didn't sleep for over 48 hours. It was miserable. I dealt with thrush, as well, and my baby started biting my nipple – a result, we later found, of a posterior tongue tie – at two weeks old. I don't know how I would have coped if I hadn't been able to text my lactation consultant at any time, day or night, and have my questions answered. She was, quite literally, a Godsend, and it's worth every penny to have someone there to help you find comfort and protect your breasts and baby!

3. When my midwives were leaving after the birth, one of them asked me if I would like some ice for... down there. I said no thanks, because I didn't think that sounded at all pleasant, and she said would would pour some tea on pads and freeze them for me. I thought go ahead. I'm not putting ice anywhere near... there. Several days later, I gave in and decided to try one – I couldn't waste those expensive pads. Oh, my goodness. It was heavenly. It seems crazy, but try it. Pour tea or herbal water on those pads and freeze them. Your swollen body will thank you. Trust me.

4. Another common discomfort after birth is going to the bathroom, whether it be urinating or a bowel movement. I had read somewhere that sitting in a sitz bath, filled with warm water, while you did the deed made it more comfortable. Boy, was that right. After trying to spray warm water while I peed, to avoid the burn, and finding it was a lot more complicated to cover all the area than it should be, I started filling my sitz bath before every bathroom break (or asking my husband to do it for me). I cleaned it out when I was done and continued to do this for probably a week and a half after the birth.

5. Let your husband – and/or someone else you trust (because your husband needs rest, too!) – take over for at least two weeks. Spend that time healing and getting to know your baby. If you need something, ask your helper, even if it's something silly like pulling up your socks. During these two weeks, you can gradually start moving around and getting your strength back, but don't push it; your body has gone through a lot of work. Even a month after giving birth, I went for a mile and a half walk – a pittance compared to what I prefer - and started bleeding again. Don't push yourself if you aren't ready. Three months will probably be the minimum you need before you're completely back to normal.

6. When you feel overwhelmed, let yourself cry. At one point, after a particularly difficult night where my baby was refusing to nurse but screaming because she was hungry, screaming until she was so exhausted she went to sleep but woke up about an hour later to start the whole process over again, I was not feeling particularly strong. I felt to blame for her discomfort, because my milk letdown was too fast and strong for her, so she was choking and wanting to bite, so I had to pull her off whenever she did this; this was what resulted in her screaming and refusing to nurse. I finally crawled into bed and curled into my husband's chest, letting the tears flow. He held me until the baby was awake and crying again, then took her and told me to sleep for awhile. After an hour of sleep and getting the tears out, I felt much better and more able to handle my baby.

7. Have a to do list out where people can see when they come to visit, bring a meal, or come with an offer to help. Write anything and everything that needs to be done on it, from laundry to dishes to holding the baby while you shower. If errands need to be run, pets or older children need care, you're running out of ready-to-eat snacks, write it down. This is helpful to you not only because you don't have to remember all the information when people ask, it also relieves any embarrassment you might feel at asking. They can see the list and you don't have to say a word.

What are some of your own tips or things that helped you in those first few months after birth?