High Needs Toddler & Pregnancy

Having a high needs toddler is no joke. My daughter is just as unpredictable in her mood and temper as when she was a tiny baby. Although things do improve with vocabulary and gentle communication, there are still all those high need characteristics to deal with.

Right now, I'm 36 weeks pregnant, and going through almost the entire pregnancy with my toddler, I've had to change some of my expectations (of myself and my toddler), and I've had to adapt. If you are in the same boat I have been in, I know your frustrations and your desires. Here are some tips for getting through pregnancy while raising a high needs toddler with grace.

Thank You for Crying

As a mother, I never thought I would hear myself say those words, but as I recently held my sobbing, 17 month old daughter tightly, I whispered to her: “I'm so sorry, Baby; thank you for crying.”

This happened during her nap time. There is usually a pretty solid routine we go through, which is nice for both of us. I make sure she either nurses or eats a snack, change her diaper, cuddle with her for a few minutes, then lay her down. She is an excellent sleeper, and I can put her down wide awake for naps and bedtime. She might whimper a little when I leave, but she's usually quiet within a minute or two.

This particular day, our routine wasn't quite so regular. I had been nursing her lying down on the couch, and her eyes were slowly getting more and more heavy as she drifted off. It was about five minutes earlier than I usually put her down, but I gathered her in my arms, carried her to her crib, and set her down with her lovey, covering her with a light quilt. She smiled up and me, I told her to sleep well, and I left. Seconds later, she started crying. Since she did that on occasion, I didn't go back in but waited a few minutes. She was still crying. I thought she sounded like she might be calming down, so I waited a couple more minutes. Still crying.

I'm sure some, at this point, would have just ignored her, but I've never ignored my baby's crying. Despite people saying we might “spoil” her by going to her, we have found that she never cries without a reason – even as a small toddler. I went back into her room, and she was lying down, squeezing her lovey tightly, crying with quick gasps, obviously trying to “be good” and not cry but also plainly upset. I picked her up, remembering I hadn't changed her diaper. Pulling it open to check, I immediately knew why she had been so upset.

As I laid her down to change her diaper, she giggled through her tears, knowing I had understood. I changed her quickly, then held her tightly against me, apologizing for not remembering to change her and thanking her for crying until I listened.

This appreciation for a baby's tears is not something many people seem to understand. I hear parents say they wouldn't go to their child every time he or she cried, their voices holding a tinge of disdain for people who would. People seem to think babies and toddlers cry to manipulate them, and to ignore them is to establish authority. “I am an adult, and I know what's best.” It also implies that crying is a nuisance, not a tool – practically the only tool! – a baby has to communicate.

Although I don't enjoy crying any more than the next person, I encourage my daughter to cry. When she's sad or hurt, I want her to share her pain with me, and I don't attempt to distract her. When she needs something that I haven't noticed (it happens more than I like), I want her to cry so I can take care of the problem. I don't want her to ever feel that I don't take her tears as seriously as she does, and I believe that is a big part of why she is so content and cheerful.

If I had ignored her cries during nap time, what shape would her bottom have been in after sleeping in her own refuse for two hours? If I made a habit of ignoring her, when would she stop trying to tell me something is wrong? I don't plan to find out.  

Parenting Methods: Attachment Parenting

I love reading about parenting methods. I find them illuminating, educational, and fun. The parenting methods out there are as varied as the children with whom they are practiced. There are essentially four parenting methods I am particularly drawn to, and there are aspects I love and hate about each of them.

The first method I want to talk about is called Attachment Parenting. It is most widely shared by Dr. Sears, a well respected pediatrician. I think part of the reason his touting of this method appeals to me is the fact that he has a large family; if a person only has one child and says that his/her method of parenting was the “only” method, I would probably be skeptical. Here are some typical practices of those who parent using this method:

• Bonding after birth is incredibly important (the first few hours especially)
• They carry their babies in a sling or wrap, against their bodies
• They bed-share (sleep in same bed) or co-sleep (sleep in same room)
• They breastfeed on demand and do this for as long as the child desires
• They do not try to teach a baby to “self-soothe” or use baby-training methods
• They stress the importance of a parent staying at home with the child/children

The Wonders of a Child

As I write, my little girl is babbling away at her daddy as he puts her into pajamas and her nighttime diaper. She turns one, next week, and I can hardly believe it. That tiny almost constantly unhappy baby has turned into a laughing, tall, inquisitive, confident, sweet, little one.

She still loves her daddy best. Her temper – oh my, her temper! – can be shocking, at times. Her vague wishes which she so struggled to communicate at first now burst forth with a clarity I didn't know a baby could possess. She is, quite possibly, the sweetest child I have ever known. She knows when one of us is ill, and she already kisses us goodnight. She is determined to do things, no matter how hard the obstacle. My little problem solver. She wants to be helpful, even if she isn't quite sure what that means, yet.

She learns quickly, and she loves to explore everything she can get her hands on. I can hardly wait for her to walk, and she already giggles with excitement when we help her stand and walk around, her pudgy fingers gripping one of our hands. She is constantly dirty, which I find delightful.

Listening to her talk to her daddy is a wonder to me. She loves her time with him before bed, when he dims the lights and reads to her. I come up to lay her down for the night, and she is completely limp against him, still awake but relaxed. She still cries for me during the night, and even when I'm exhausted, it makes me feel special when she soothes so quickly in my arms. I am not eager for these days to pass. I treasure my little princess.  

The High Needs Child

I have a high needs baby, and that's one of the big reasons it's been so long since I've written. It's stressful. Some of you know exactly what I mean. Here are some of the signs you have a high needs child:

• No one gets consistent sleep
• It's nearly impossible to have a set routine
• People frequently say your baby is “so alert!” or “takes in everything!”
• Your baby is much more interested in adult things than baby toys
• Your baby nurses a lot – and may not sleep through the night until well after being a year old
• Your baby wants to be held and have face-to-face interaction constantly
• Your baby is slow to warm up to unfamiliar people

Why Is My Baby So Difficult?

When my baby was first born, she looked every bit the adorable alien all newborns do. At first, caring for her was relatively simple. She let me know when something was wrong, and she wasn't overly fussy, but I soon realized that she was going to be more difficult than I had first thought. I desperately searched for an answer to my problem, because there were too many strange issues that didn't seem connected but shouldn't have been occurring without a common issue. These were the things I noticed:

• My baby was very fussy.
• She wanted to be held constantly.
• She had difficulty sleeping.
• She choked while nursing - more than a newborn should. 
• Although her latch had initially been perfect, it was getting progressively worse.
• She started to clamp down/bite while nursing.
• She absolutely hated being in any position that wasn't perfectly upright.