There is an awkward stage that every young adult goes through where he goes from being a child to being an adult. It's awkward for both the parents and the child, because there is a combination of still wanting to parent/be parented and yet wanting to make decisions that will impact the future you wish to have.
I knew from an incredibly young age (around 8) that I wanted to be a wife and mother. I never wanted to be anything else. I planned on getting married the day I turned 18 and popping out babies every year or so while my husband worked and I stayed at home. To me, this described the ideal life. My parents were supportive. They knew how important a wife and mother who stays at home can be, and they believed I was following the natural path for the majority of women.
What changed my plans was that I graduated from high school with no men in sight appropriate for my calling. So I decided to attend college and work towards a degree I would enjoy. My first year, I met a lot of guys who seemed like legitimate possibilities but none who really stood out. The second year, there were more possibilities, and two actually pursued me.
With the first, it was immediately obvious to us that we wanted different things, and we parted ways amicably. With the second, things became serious quickly, and we decided we would start considering marriage after a specified amount of time. The guy was pretty sure he wanted to pursue me, but he had made some bad relationship decisions in the past and thought that taking a long time would give the decision greater weight (it didn't). In the end, we were engaged and then married. We've had two kids since then, he owns a business, I keep home and family, and we live peaceably and cheerfully.
This sounds pretty nice, right? Except that the years between my high school graduation and my third year of marriage were fraught with tension between myself, my parents, and my fiancé's parents. Various things caused tension while I was in college. I didn't attend the college my mom wanted. I wasn't driving myself yet (which I didn't realize made my mother upset until years later), so I usually took the bus to school and sometimes my mom drove me to the bus stop.
Then the guys. My mom thought I should marry someone else. My dad thought I should have consulted him more closely when I started considering my husband (I wasn't trying to leave him out, but I didn't have any experience with sharing this sort of thing with anyone). They wanted us to wait. My fiancé's parents wanted us to wait. We knew that wasn't what we wanted, so we didn't.
During the engagement, we wanted to be together a lot. We were in love and were too often thoughtless about what was going on around us. It wasn't intentional, but enough things riled up my mom that she said she would kick me out if I didn't "straighten up", and she had a very specific list of things I had to do to win her approval back. She told me she would only attend my wedding out of respect for my father, and she wanted nothing to do with me. I didn't know what to say. I felt ill. I'd had no clue she was harboring so much anger until she blew up, and it permanently damaged my trust in her.
Then the wedding. Golly, weddings are great for creating tension between a mother and daughter. My fiancé wanted to be really involved, and my mother was jealous and wanting to be more involved. We had certain things we really wanted and she threw a fit about until we gave in. There is no need to go into detail about what things we didn't agree on, but I tried to keep the peace by doing what she wanted while including as much of what I wanted as I could. In the end, I wasn't sure she wanted to be there. I'm still not sure.
Then post-marriage. I've talked before about being a home-birther, and my mother very much disapproved of this, telling me I was being dangerous and irresponsible. My husband decided he wanted to teach. His parents were adamant that he had other skills he should be exploiting before he "condescended" to that job. We were open about our sexual struggles and our desire that sexual desire should be spoken about in a healthy environment. My father greatly disapproved and told us we were being impious about something holy. Other things popped up, too, and we dealt with them quietly, one by one, until finally a miracle happened: our parents realized we were adults and could make our own decisions. If only it had happened five years sooner, much pain would have been avoided.
As a parent, the best way to help your child be an adult is to let them be. Give advice only if they ask for it, and let them make mistakes on their own. Let them become confident adults without a need to hint at what you think might be better. Don't assume they have any intention of judging your life decisions through their own. It would be self-injurious to do so!
As a person coming into adulthood, the best thing you can do: let your parents know that you are an adult, now, and fully capable of making decisions for yourself. You can admit that you might make mistakes, that sometimes you're unsure, but it isn't their life to guide, anymore. They had plenty of time to instill wisdom into you! Now it's time to trust the work they've done and trust you to do what you think is best. It is incredibly painful to feel like your parents don't trust you. Let them know that.
The truth: parents love their children. They want the best for them, and they often think they know what the best thing is. Sometimes they do, but when they are so far removed from your life - from what your heart calls you to - they cannot make the best decision for your life. Sometimes I think they see decisions contrary from what they would make as an affront to them - as though we, through our decisions, are judging theirs. But we aren't. We're doing what we believe to be right for us, and we are different people.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who has deeply struggled with this conflict. What kinds of things created conflict for you with your parents or children? How did you overcome? What words would you give to a parent struggling to let go or a young adult trying to cleave?
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