Thank You for Crying

As a mother, I never thought I would hear myself say those words, but as I recently held my sobbing, 17 month old daughter tightly, I whispered to her: “I'm so sorry, Baby; thank you for crying.”

This happened during her nap time. There is usually a pretty solid routine we go through, which is nice for both of us. I make sure she either nurses or eats a snack, change her diaper, cuddle with her for a few minutes, then lay her down. She is an excellent sleeper, and I can put her down wide awake for naps and bedtime. She might whimper a little when I leave, but she's usually quiet within a minute or two.

This particular day, our routine wasn't quite so regular. I had been nursing her lying down on the couch, and her eyes were slowly getting more and more heavy as she drifted off. It was about five minutes earlier than I usually put her down, but I gathered her in my arms, carried her to her crib, and set her down with her lovey, covering her with a light quilt. She smiled up and me, I told her to sleep well, and I left. Seconds later, she started crying. Since she did that on occasion, I didn't go back in but waited a few minutes. She was still crying. I thought she sounded like she might be calming down, so I waited a couple more minutes. Still crying.

I'm sure some, at this point, would have just ignored her, but I've never ignored my baby's crying. Despite people saying we might “spoil” her by going to her, we have found that she never cries without a reason – even as a small toddler. I went back into her room, and she was lying down, squeezing her lovey tightly, crying with quick gasps, obviously trying to “be good” and not cry but also plainly upset. I picked her up, remembering I hadn't changed her diaper. Pulling it open to check, I immediately knew why she had been so upset.

As I laid her down to change her diaper, she giggled through her tears, knowing I had understood. I changed her quickly, then held her tightly against me, apologizing for not remembering to change her and thanking her for crying until I listened.

This appreciation for a baby's tears is not something many people seem to understand. I hear parents say they wouldn't go to their child every time he or she cried, their voices holding a tinge of disdain for people who would. People seem to think babies and toddlers cry to manipulate them, and to ignore them is to establish authority. “I am an adult, and I know what's best.” It also implies that crying is a nuisance, not a tool – practically the only tool! – a baby has to communicate.

Although I don't enjoy crying any more than the next person, I encourage my daughter to cry. When she's sad or hurt, I want her to share her pain with me, and I don't attempt to distract her. When she needs something that I haven't noticed (it happens more than I like), I want her to cry so I can take care of the problem. I don't want her to ever feel that I don't take her tears as seriously as she does, and I believe that is a big part of why she is so content and cheerful.

If I had ignored her cries during nap time, what shape would her bottom have been in after sleeping in her own refuse for two hours? If I made a habit of ignoring her, when would she stop trying to tell me something is wrong? I don't plan to find out.  

Circumcision: Why I Say Nay

Circumcision is a hot topic among new moms, these days - at least in America. Although I do not have a son, if and when I do, he will not be circumcised. If I lived just about anywhere but the states, people would say: "Well, of course! There's no reason to." In America, however, there is outright hostility. Here are some of the reasons parents in the states still circumcise:

Why (and How) I Limit My Screen Time

I hate screens.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned that, but I really do. Why? There are several reasons.

• They waste a lot of time without the time passing in a noticeable and concrete way. It vanishes like smoke. 
• They steal attentions while giving the illusion of multi-tasking. Even though you think you're paying attention to the person talking to you while checking your email, you aren't. Ultimately, you don't give your full attention to either and do a poor job at both. 
• They make people in my family grumpy. My daughter has a noticeably shorter temper when there's a screen visible. She can't touch them or interact with them, so to her, they are attention-sucking machines that separate her from her parents and friends. She's tries to distract us, then we're grumpy because we were in the middle of something. 

Being Hosted: Proper Etiquette

We all enjoy being invited over for a meal and conversation, and I see plenty of people talking about the proper ways to host. One thing I don't see often, however, is how a person should act as company. I host at least twice a week, often three times, which means I invite people into my home 104 - 156 days a year. That's a lot! My husband and I enjoy hosting, and we've made huge efforts to hone our hosting abilities and make our home one that is easy for others to be welcomed into.

Because we do so much hosting, there are problems I sometimes run into with company. Nothing so serious it would ruin an evening but things I would guess people aren't aware are bad etiquette for company. Here are some things you can do to ensure people love hosting you.

Our Minimalist Home

I've been wanting, for awhile, to share some pictures of our home. We love being here, and we enjoy showing it off. Here are pictures and brief explanations of our space and how we use it.

Living Room

We do most of our hosting on the main floor, which contains our living room and kitchen, as well as a half-bath off the kitchen. Because our living room doesn't have a light built in, we have to use several lamps so it isn't so dim we get sleepy at night (especially on long winter days, when it starts getting dark around 4 PM). We have a clock on the wall and some pictures near the entryway.

One shelf has reference and literature books. The other only holds items our daughter plays with. There are six or seven toys, a few items which "nest", her Simba, and a box of blocks.

Two couches and a love seat might seem like too much, but we frequently need all of them, and the rug is mostly to protect the cream carpet from my daughter :). The mirror and the clock were gifts from my mother.

Parenting Methods: RIE Approach (or “Educaring”)

RIE is probably the closest to my instinctual parenting style. I came across a blog about it quite by accident, then I read a couple books about it – one by the founder of the method, Magda Gerber. Here are some guidelines RIE teaches:

• Every child should have a safe environment where he/she can play and explore
• Babies need time to play on their own and with other babies
• Childcare activities (diaper changing, baths, feeding, etc.) should make the child an active participant and warrant your undivided attention
• Weaning should take place at one year old if you can't manage any sooner
• You shouldn't use pacifiers
• Sleep-training is strongly encouraged
• Anything your child is to learn should be learned independently, as much as is possible. This includes talking, potty training, rolling over, crawling, walking, etc.

This parenting style gets a lot of flack because people think it expects your child to be too adult. I don't see how this is true, as every child longs to be like an adult, and children spend all their time imitating what they see. Here are the points fleshed out and my comments on them.

Parenting Methods: Minimalist (or “Simple”) Parenting

I've talked about minimalism often, and this style of parenting was one I liked before I knew it had a name! It appeals to me because of its simplicity. We live a simple life-style, so it naturally fits into our lives. Some of the basic practices of minimalist parenting are as follows:

• Remember what was important to you as a child and incorporate those experiences into your own parenting
• Own less toys but provide more opportunities to have meaningful experiences
• Don't fill up your schedule with constant doings

I think parents like the sound of this, though it may be hard to practice, because we live in a world where busyness is a virtue, and you know how much a child is loved by how many awesome presents he/she gets from his/her parents. Let's talk about each of these practical ideas separately.