Parenting by Instinct: Choosing Safety

This week, my daughter bit through two pacifiers within an hour. I was buying appropriate pacifiers for her age, so I knew it wasn't the quality; she had built up a habit of chewing on them as much as sucking. This presented a problem. She clearly was still deriving comfort from them, but they had now become a danger. If she bit a piece off during the night and I wasn't able to hear her choking... well, I didn't even want to consider that idea.

I am a huge fan of pacifiers, in general. Despite my wanting to avoid them after she was born, it became clear that she only nursed when she wanted sustenance. She also doesn't like her hands to be dirty or wet, so she wouldn't suck her thumb or fingers. After three months of trying every alternative, I finally offered her a pacifier, and she was a different baby. Although still fussy and generally irritable (which I now think was a combination of being over-heated and not wearing 100% cotton), she was much more happy.

As she passed a year old, I tried gradually weaning off with no success. She would fuss and cry if one wasn't always available, and I didn't have the time or energy to fight with her (I was in the first trimester of my second pregnancy and incredibly sick and exhausted). I decided I would let her quit on her own.

That decision went out the window, this week. Clearly, pacifiers had become a hazard instead of a help, and that wasn't something I or my husband were willing to chance (or pay for. New pacifiers almost every day? I don't think so). After some research and thinking about my daughter's personality, as well as thinking about my failed attempt, I decided our best bet was to stop cold turkey. We asked our daughter to throw her pacifier in the trash (she only had one left, at this point), and we told her she wouldn't have one, anymore. She was neutral on the subject... until nap time. Then, my goodness, the sobs and cries of "where'd it go?" were heartbreaking. I do not like it when my little one cries and I could possibly stop those tears, but I knew there could be no giving in. As a matter of safety, the pacifiers had to go.

We're still in the midst of this trial, and a huge part of me hates watching my daughter grieve this comfort she has enjoyed. Sometimes the right decisions in parenting don't feel right in the moment. We have to battle through, loving our children by saying "no" when we desperately want - when it would be easier - to say yes.

Parenting by Instinct:Potty Training

I have officially potty trained my 18 month old daughter. It was interesting to me how many people said: "she's still so little!" This is true, and I knew it would make the experience a little more complicated. She doesn't really have the coordination for wiping down, yet, and she isn't dry through the night as some insist your child should be before training. I didn't wait for her to show "signs of readiness," nor did I have a big build up to get her excited. We bought the potty, taught her how to sit on it, put away the diapers, and told her it was time to learn something new.

Why did I train now? Why not wait?

My Minimalist Wardrobe

I know I've talked, some, about my wardrobe. It was really the beginning of my pursuit of minimalism as I looked through my clothes and realized that, although I liked most of what I had, not all of it fit well, was in good condition, and there were too many choices. I had half a closet, a couple shelves, and a large dresser full of clothes. My husband had exactly the same amount of space for his clothes. And we had clothes in storage for the off seasons.

I wasn't super happy with my wardrobe. The year we married, I had lost 40 pounds due to poor health, and a lot of my clothes were essentially pinned on. We couldn't really afford to replace them, but then I thought why do I need to replace these things? Is there enough that fits me to make work?

My decision was simple: I told my husband I was going to get rid of everything except for a certain number of each item. I don't remember the numbers exactly, but it went something like:

• seven shirts
• seven skirts
• three jeans
• five pairs of shoes

Etcetera. I had to love these items, they must fit perfectly, and they had to be in good condition. I was essentially building a capsule wardrobe, but I didn't know that, as I'd never heard of such a thing. My husband decided to join me, and by the end, we shared one dresser and the closet was half empty. The shelves were used for shoes and other storage as we no longer needed them for clothes. It was great! I loved everything I owned, and it all fit. 

Then I got pregnant. Suddenly, my wardrobe wasn't exactly splendid. I had several maxi dresses and a few maxi skirts, and those got me through it with few purchases. Then I had my baby, and dresses really don't work for nursing. The shirts I had worn before the pregnancy were mostly fitted, so I ordered some tank tops to even things out. 

Not too much later, we moved. As can sometimes happen, I quickly realized that because of the wardrobe changes I'd had to make, I had accumulated a lot of things that were no longer functional. I decided to downsize again. This time, I picked an outfit for every day of the week, with a few outfits have a second top to choose from. My husband joined me again, though his way of choosing what to keep was different, as his style had been changing over those couple years, and at the end, we sold the dresser and shared a closet. 

Again, I loved everything I owned. It all fit. It all looked nice. I had around 30-40 items, as well as a few seasonal items. I was pleased with how much having fewer clothes made my mornings easier. There was little enough choice, I didn't stand for several minutes trying to decide what to wear. I think my wardrobe stayed this way for about a month before I felt dissatisfied again. I had grown used to fewer choices and thought what if there was even less choice? 

I decided to go "extreme". Four skirts, one pair of jeans, five tops, a black dress, and three layering options. This includes one outfit for Sunday, which I don't wear at any other time. Eventually, I want to have three of the same skirt, three of the same shirt, a Sunday outfit, and a few layering options (I live in the north. Layers are important), thus making my choice even more simple. As I get closer to this ideal, I become more excited. Having little choice makes me feel like I have more room for other choices, and I find that I care way less about what people think about my clothing. I know that everything I wear is functional, beautiful, and something I chose with careful consideration. How many people can say that about their clothes? 

Thank You for Crying

As a mother, I never thought I would hear myself say those words, but as I recently held my sobbing, 17 month old daughter tightly, I whispered to her: “I'm so sorry, Baby; thank you for crying.”

This happened during her nap time. There is usually a pretty solid routine we go through, which is nice for both of us. I make sure she either nurses or eats a snack, change her diaper, cuddle with her for a few minutes, then lay her down. She is an excellent sleeper, and I can put her down wide awake for naps and bedtime. She might whimper a little when I leave, but she's usually quiet within a minute or two.

This particular day, our routine wasn't quite so regular. I had been nursing her lying down on the couch, and her eyes were slowly getting more and more heavy as she drifted off. It was about five minutes earlier than I usually put her down, but I gathered her in my arms, carried her to her crib, and set her down with her lovey, covering her with a light quilt. She smiled up and me, I told her to sleep well, and I left. Seconds later, she started crying. Since she did that on occasion, I didn't go back in but waited a few minutes. She was still crying. I thought she sounded like she might be calming down, so I waited a couple more minutes. Still crying.

I'm sure some, at this point, would have just ignored her, but I've never ignored my baby's crying. Despite people saying we might “spoil” her by going to her, we have found that she never cries without a reason – even as a small toddler. I went back into her room, and she was lying down, squeezing her lovey tightly, crying with quick gasps, obviously trying to “be good” and not cry but also plainly upset. I picked her up, remembering I hadn't changed her diaper. Pulling it open to check, I immediately knew why she had been so upset.

As I laid her down to change her diaper, she giggled through her tears, knowing I had understood. I changed her quickly, then held her tightly against me, apologizing for not remembering to change her and thanking her for crying until I listened.

This appreciation for a baby's tears is not something many people seem to understand. I hear parents say they wouldn't go to their child every time he or she cried, their voices holding a tinge of disdain for people who would. People seem to think babies and toddlers cry to manipulate them, and to ignore them is to establish authority. “I am an adult, and I know what's best.” It also implies that crying is a nuisance, not a tool – practically the only tool! – a baby has to communicate.

Although I don't enjoy crying any more than the next person, I encourage my daughter to cry. When she's sad or hurt, I want her to share her pain with me, and I don't attempt to distract her. When she needs something that I haven't noticed (it happens more than I like), I want her to cry so I can take care of the problem. I don't want her to ever feel that I don't take her tears as seriously as she does, and I believe that is a big part of why she is so content and cheerful.

If I had ignored her cries during nap time, what shape would her bottom have been in after sleeping in her own refuse for two hours? If I made a habit of ignoring her, when would she stop trying to tell me something is wrong? I don't plan to find out.  

Circumcision: Why I Say Nay

Circumcision is a hot topic among new moms, these days - at least in America. Although I do not have a son, if and when I do, he will not be circumcised. If I lived just about anywhere but the states, people would say: "Well, of course! There's no reason to." In America, however, there is outright hostility. Here are some of the reasons parents in the states still circumcise:

Why (and How) I Limit My Screen Time

I hate screens.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned that, but I really do. Why? There are several reasons.

• They waste a lot of time without the time passing in a noticeable and concrete way. It vanishes like smoke. 
• They steal attentions while giving the illusion of multi-tasking. Even though you think you're paying attention to the person talking to you while checking your email, you aren't. Ultimately, you don't give your full attention to either and do a poor job at both. 
• They make people in my family grumpy. My daughter has a noticeably shorter temper when there's a screen visible. She can't touch them or interact with them, so to her, they are attention-sucking machines that separate her from her parents and friends. She's tries to distract us, then we're grumpy because we were in the middle of something. 

Being Hosted: Proper Etiquette

We all enjoy being invited over for a meal and conversation, and I see plenty of people talking about the proper ways to host. One thing I don't see often, however, is how a person should act as company. I host at least twice a week, often three times, which means I invite people into my home 104 - 156 days a year. That's a lot! My husband and I enjoy hosting, and we've made huge efforts to hone our hosting abilities and make our home one that is easy for others to be welcomed into.

Because we do so much hosting, there are problems I sometimes run into with company. Nothing so serious it would ruin an evening but things I would guess people aren't aware are bad etiquette for company. Here are some things you can do to ensure people love hosting you.